Friday, 25 June 2010
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Life sometimes picks you up by the collar of your shirt and just lets you hang. While you squirm and plead, it just laughs. Why? Because Life doesn't care. You have to fight through it and think you can make it, but even then it'll kick your legs out from under you. Sometimes there's a rain cloud forever over your head.
How can you have love without trust? How can you love another without trusting them?
Everything seems to be flipping upside down and it seems to always be my fault. I feel like I ruin families. I feel like I kill people's hearts. I don't know what to do anymore. I could confess my love until I was blue in the face and I still don't think that will ever me enough. Sometimes I feel like my words are useless;; powerless. That there is no way to understand them. But who would want to? I don't know anymore. I really really don't.
My writers block has once again kicked in.
my random little pointless rant
Thursday, 13 May 2010
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i'll stop loving you --
when diamonds never sparkle
and flowers cease to grow.
when thunder doesn't echo
and rivers do not flow.
when hearts no longer wonder
and hands are never held.
when smiles are only memories
and hope is never felt.
when trees no longer blossom
and the stars refuse to shine.
when autumn has no falling leaves
and winter no longer dies.
when time has no more tomorrows
and rainbows have no hue.
when god alone commands me
then I'll stop loving you.
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
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Listen to the color of your dreams
Divorce. A nasty little word that shouldn't be used unless had to. And shouldn't be said unless necessary. But in this case, Divorce is being said and used. It's a shame that two hearts that find each other are taken apart from mistakes. The mistakes of not truly knowing each other. Thriving off the old selves. Not getting to know the new. And when my heart truly does belong to another. It hurts worse when you hurt someone else. But I did what I had to do. I was stressed. My love was for another, my true love. And I was too stupid to see that at first. I rushed myself into a fairy tale marriage that turned into something completely different then a fairy tale. The fairy tale that took the wrong path that took a different Prince Charming to save me.
But I have hit rock bottom and I am not going to lie about it. I do not know what to do with myself. Where to go, what to do, or how to do it. It's a shame. And it sucks. When I have certain people bothering me and other people who aren't talking to me enough. I want to just scream out that I need help.. But here's the deal. I don't know what I need help with. And when people try to help me, I'm stuck. I don't know what to say or anything. Like I'm frozen. Just like now. I have so much I want to write, but I have such bad writers block. I don't know what else to do to help myself. I need to talk to people, but like I said, I freeze. And now my one addiction has turned back to music. Finding any new music band I can. I just don't know anymore.
I'm sick of people making life all about them now a days. Not listening to other people. How it always has to be about them. They tell you to rant and cry and do whatever you need to do but then they turn it all back onto them. How they just HAVE to talk about themselves it seems. I will use my Xanga or certain friends to rant and cry too. But it has to be a while before I can sit there and just talk about me me me me me. Unless we're sharing stories. But that's totally different.
I sit here on my bed, staring across my room at all the alcohol that is sitting on my third shelf. How I would seriously love to mix it together and just drink it. To put myself out of this pain. Then I remember the people who are beside me. But I want a drink so bad. Though I don't want to drink alone. I'm just weird like that. Though I believe a Mike's Hard Lemon-aid is calling my name. Just to help me sleep. My sleeping patterns are still messed up, I'm lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep without waking up and staring around my room. Or a bad dream happening. Darkness is still my enemy. But with time I will calm down again. Coffee/energy drinks have become my addiction once again. If I get nervous I drink them as an alcoholic drinks alcohol. I absentmindedly smoke my cigarettes, or more then anything they just burn without being smoked besides a hit here or a hit there just to keep them alive.
The distraction of ceiling fan now happens a lot too. How it can help you clear your mind so much better than anything. Gum has been keeping me from peeling my skin off my lips or chewing on my tongue. But how bad it has gotten that I once again forget to eat. My mother, trying to remind me from time to time.
I know that I will get better with time. Time seems to destroy or help things in the end. And I pray and pray that it'll help me in the end. I want to climb myself up from the rock bottom and say "Yeah, I made it". But who knows what God has planned for me in the end. I can only hope that it is all good and a little bad. Because right now I'm rock bottom, I don't know how much worse it could get.... Wait.... Yeah I do. Say if my parents disowned me, my two friends left me, and I didn't get this job I'm working hard on.
But then again, who knows. Depression and Anxiety attacks are not great. It sucks so bad. Especially anxiety attacks alone. Grabbing the bed for dear life as it seems your breath is being ripped away from you. Along with the feeling of someone sitting on your chest and holding your throat closed. The pain of a heart attack shooting through your chest and your stomach clenching as you try to break. Making gasps and squeaky noises. Thrashing around like a fish out of water. Just wanting one fucking breath. Yeah they suck.
My nights sometimes grow better but sometimes they grow worse. I love my mom's puppy PJ but she's not my pup to take care of. So she shouldn't be sleeping in my bed, waking me up. But then again I raised Cash too. With the help of Jonathan. Just I should to be the one to have to take care of other peoples animals. Or kids. I have my own things to deal with. And I should not have to deal with things other people don't want to take care of.
I think I'm getting writers block again
Or maybe it's just because so much is going on in my mind.
Divorce; Something that truly makes you want to sit down in cry. Because all in all, you never get any good out of it in any way. Nothing can take certain things away. Including certain sadness. The missing of one or more family member[s]. The times you have shared. Word that were said. It all happens. [[-.- there's a freaking bug in my room distracting me...]] That cannot be taken away. What happiness was shared, can not be stuffed back in a box and put into storage. You must take the good with the bad. And step up and move on. But it is not the greatest to be 19 and already going through a divorce. But life happens. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But sometimes what makes us stronger kills us. [[food break]] Fuck the fact that I can only take like 6-8 bites of food and then feel full as hell. It feels so much later then what it is. I guess I'm use to being out till 4:30am. Oh well.. Anyways. Where was I...
I feel like I sit here and talk about myself over and over again when I really don't want to. But hell it's my blog. I'll do as I please.
Life works in weird ways. Sometimes it takes something away from you, that you think you cannot live without, then gives it back to you. As if to see if your love will still be strong for them. And I know my love is still strong for the one I love. I knew since day one of telling him "I love you" that he was my true love. Through everything he has been by my side. Sure some fights and arguments came around. But that's in the past. What comes after us with be handled the way it needs to be. I will be right beside him. He is neither second to me nor first, but there right with me. And I will do anything in the world to keep him happy. Of course him becoming a Cop scares the shit out of me, from all the things I've seen. But I know he's in God's hands. And it's a passion of his, so why try to hold him back? I know if there was anything I wanted to do, he would be right beside me the whole way. Our love seems bound together, and I pray it stays bound forever. I would not be able to be the way I am without him beside me. Love is the power for so many things.
Sleep calls for me.
<3 Sarah
Friday, 20 November 2009
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Mood: Complex
Music: Daughtry
Greatful: For everything <3
When the world completely changes on you in a matter of a few months it makes you wonder what exactly is God's plan. I never doubt him now for I know my life lays in his hands. Any changes that happen are normally for the good but sometimes they can turn out for the bad. Like seeing an ex boyfriend at a store close by your house and now afraid to go in there for the words he once spoke to you. "I'll kill you if I ever see you again" Not a nice thing to go through your mind once seeing him. For the first time in a long time I went straight into an anxiety attack. Shaking and could barely breathe. Hearing the women who checked me out there ask if I was okay seems more like a blur;; Going into harvest foods and buying what I needed and the drive home seemed to never existed;; all until I drove onto my road; when I crept at a total of 5-10mph home.
Things seem to change as this world closes upon its self. People become more conceded and selfish and only aware of what is going on in their own world. I gave up $5 to the man that rings the Christmas bell today; Standing chilled out front of the store. I help when I know help is needed and I cherish every moment of it. But I wonder how many others are out there like me? Or who shares the same beliefs. How many times now can one sit down with a group of people and discuss their beliefs in God, mankind, war and all that without being judged? How many now can go on in life without being abused by their loved one? Whether male or female. Mother or Father. Friend or life partner. Why must addictions control how one acts or the words that they say? Why must people blame their addictions on others? Or blame their actions on it? When mankind should stand up for the actions they do and the things they say and take responsibility for it. But no..
My world is different compared to others. Why? Why would one person wish to live in Utopia? If God intended the world to be a Utopia; there would not be hurricanes, death, earthquakes, murder, etc etc. But then again; God may intended for that to happen; take away the natural disasters; but the murders, rape, bombing, war etc; Who said God intended that? And all things; War over Religion! In the united states; "Freedom of religion" But because another country wants to have a different religion; we fight with them! Kill over it. Why? We do not live in a Utopia! We never will. But for the fools who keep it in their mind that one day we shall live with nothing but peace; love and happiness; I'm sorry to break your hearts but it will never happen. Why? Because people always want control. Control over something. And control over something leads back to the word;; Addiction.
Throughout my life, I've learned a lot of lessons. Some I wish that I hadn't so early in life, but they all have had positive outcomes. When I was a little child, I thought the world was a huge place where all human beings would help eachother and the "bad guys" were simply off-track. That violence, destruction, and hate were just fictional. That maybe, just maybe, there could exist peace and happy endings outside of childhood fairytales. After a few years, I knew that this wasn't true. Well, not completely. I learned that self-centeredness wasn't uncommon, that violence, destruction, and hate were some of the harshest realities, and peace couldn't exist in these times. The worst realization, though, was that sadism lived in so many people's hearts. And for these reasons I cried for the world. Around the age of twelve, I discovered something that made my heart fill with joy; Poetry. It helped me drown out the world. Music slowly drifted with it;; Filling my heart with joy, blocking out the world. No I did not live in my own little Utopia because I was far from it. Later my life was filled with not so encouraging people; drugs; alcohol and all the bad things that come with it; I thought every day I was lucky to be alive. Why do I tell you this? Because I was able to get my life on track; I was able to look at the good and see what is truly out there. Sure it took me until I was pass Eightteen. Took me a long time; Many heart breaks, drinks, let downs, broken promises, give ups and etc. But I made it.
People come to the united states and work their asses off to bring their family here. To gain the money.. The freedom.. Yet we have people out on the streets, in shelters, alcoholics, druggies, people who don't want to work.. Is that fair to the rest of the world? Is that fair to me? To the children I wish to bring into this world? We are showing laziness yet we have everything. People are controlled more on their possesions than on the love we should give one another. Families are broken apart; Parents are forced to work more to afford expensive houses; cars that they can't even afford. To give their children everything they want in hopes that they can get an "I love you [[Mom or Dad]]" Children who wonder if their parents even notice them. Getting into the worse crowd; drowning their once-pure souls in drugs and alcohol. And not understanding why out of no where their parents bitch at what they are doing. Once charished talents go out with the trash and bring in the shameful habits; Causing people to go out and look for untrue love; in hope of finding love. Heartbreaks are the new thing; Divorce rates are higher. No love; just sex. That's all people are looking for these days. What happened to the true family? The whole family? They disappeared into the Utopia; That's what happened. All that once good has disappeared into the unknown Utopia. The Utopia everyone thinks they live in. Shame.
I believe the only time we are ever going to be in Utopia is when we are infront of God himself. Unless that person is Cast away from the Heavens above. But there are second chances and I pray anything I have done wrong; I have gotten a second chance for it. This world will never be perfect; it will end in misery and grief. We already have people in it. Cast away from the help that they need. That they call for. All because they don't fit the requirements. Or they aren't liked. Made fun of at school cause daddy doesn't make enough money for new clothes; Or the poor kid in highschool who cannot afford a car. When did money come into ruling our lifes? Destorying our families? Causing people to not hang with someone who makes lower money than them? When did this fucking happen? And why must I weep for this world as it goes to Hell in a hand basket? Cause almost every day I see something; just something; that causes me to weep silently to myself and ask why? But I never get an answer; no one ever answers my questions. But then again some questions just cannot be answered... Why is the sky blue? Grass green? Trees grow so tall? True love so rare? Or any of the others;; education is the most important yet we have more drop outs then a country that does not have school. Before I left for Basic; Drove down the street; I saw a homeless man sitting in the grass, reading a Dr. Suess book. The smile on his face was priceless; only God could provide. But if that man had the true education; Do you think he would be homeless?
I play my music loud; I will continue to block out some of this world; but you can only block out so much. You're eyes are open wide to take in everything. Whether good or bad. We are ment to take it in. From the sweet beautiful body to the body mangled from death. Everything is part of the world; we are born into this world cold and alone; not sure what to think. And we die the same way. We may have friends and family around us as we come into the world and as we go out; but our soul leaves alone. Our soul arrives alone. It is all in God's hands. He guides us where we need to go. Do not be afraid dear to take his hand...
Sure; I am the one that is always following Peace; Love; Happiness; Freedom;
But I know the truth about this world; I see it every day. People say it is all worth it in the end; But what is worth it in the end is Peace; Love; Happiness and Freedom; Your family and Friends; Loved ones and life. Possesions are only there to show you how much we are advancing in life. Not for you to spend your actual life on. Family calls for you; friends need you; the one you love needs to know you love them. Befriend your enemies; Let that person know you love them. Don't let it just slip away. No matter how much of a fool you look. A fool for holding things in or a fool for speaking the truth? Answer me that.
Chase after your dreams even if people think it's wrong. Take the time to tell people you love them. Dance in the rain if you wish. Do something you never thought you would; Bungee jump;; Something. Live your life not by your money but by friendship; love and all of the above. Don't let it control you. Life is getting too short;; Too many people are dieing.. Way too young of an age. Always run out there for more; learn the lessons you need to learn but continue on. When you strike a match;; you will feel the flame
I close this;;
Sarah
Never give up on your own love, happiness, and dreams because the second you do, you've lost that battle. Now get up again and win the war.
"When will we learn that wars, threats, and regrets are the cause and effect of living in fear?" Looking for Angels-Skillet
